Stupid is as Stupid does
Below are multiple outtakes from a conversation I had on Hacker News some years ago. TLDR: I'm apparently the ONLY woman on the leaderboard of Hacker News, an overwhelmingly male forum that used to skew more strongly male and someone else on the leaderboard -- "dragonwriter" -- criticized me for talking about recovery from sexual assault as a woman posting on an overwhelmingly male forum and argued that was some bizarre behavior proving I'm seriously seriously hopelessly fucked up and will never recover.
I politely ended this idiotic argument with someone who probably imagines they are some kind of "trans ally" based on their history of kicking the shit out of me and accusing me of being transphobic for trying to speak to women's issues as a woman on an overwhelmingly male forum...
Instead of saying what I was REALLY thinking, which was something like:
"So break it down for me Mr. Trans Ally: WHO is allowed to speak to WHOM about recovery from sexual assault as a survivor? If a woman can't talk to MEN, where does that leave your trans buddies? Only MtF trans individuals can speak to MtF trans individuals about sexual assault? Do we need to further segregate by sexual orientation? Only MtF lesbians can speak to MtF lesbians about sexual assault? Do we need to further segregate by gender of the assailant? Only MtF lesbians raped by men can speak to other MtF lesbians raped by men? Do we need to further segregate by skin color? Only WHITE MtF lesbians raped by WHITE men can talk to other WHITE MtF lesbians raped by WHITE men?"
Good job! You have just successfully positioned yourself as an extremely strong ally of rape culture and done all in your power to silence all victims for recovering wrong and empowered rapists and child molesters to keep offending at will while everyone they hurt lives in terror of making some unforgivable faux pas in trying to TALK to someone about it.
Way to go, disrespectful misogynistic ASSHOLE.
Give yourself a negative identityI was sexually abused as a child. I spent a total of about 3.5 years in therapy, a year in my teens and 2.5 years in my twenties.Therapy was valuable, but I quit in large part for the above reason: I was at a point where spending an hour or more every week digging around in the dirt of my past was just keeping alive an identity as a victim. It was keeping me stuck. It was keeping me miserable.So I spent the next few years focused on Getting A Life and practicing the art of Living Well Is The Best Revenge. And it's one of the wisest moves I ever made.
The issue is that if you get hit by a car, the entire world doesn't spend the rest of your life pitying you and hanging their car-related baggage on you and refusing to acknowledge they are doing so. If you get raped, every bit of sexual baggage of everyone you know will be dumped in your lap in the name of "sympathy" while people actively refuse to allow you to move on.I'm a let me brag and show off by showing you my scars kind of personality (a la Lethal Weapon* ). Men can do that and impress people. I routinely get pity.I have been on HN nearly 9 years. No one ever goes "Damn, girl, you are one helluva badass that you can discuss a topic like this calmly in such a large forum that is overwhelmingly male." No, in this very thread, more than 4 decades after the abuse ended, someone has told me they are sorry my therapy was a bad experience, though I in no way indicated it was.How much evidence do I need to provide that I am remarkably comfortable with myself, my past and my sexuality before the world stops heaping pity upon me as an endless emotional burden I cannot escape? The answer appears to be that a rape victim is not allowed to move on. They are not allowed to stop being an object of pity.I find that monstrous and incredibly counterproductive.That in no way denies that I was traumatized. It merely asserts that a still ongoing issue is the negative way other people choose to view me in defiance of all evidence to the contrary.
dragonwriter> I'm a let me brag and show off by showing you my scars kind of personality (a la Lethal Weapon* ). Men can do that and impress people. I routinely get pity.No, not about being a victim of a sex crime, they can't; at least as much as women can't, maybe even moreso.> The answer appears to be that a rape victim is not allowed to move on.A “brag and show off by showing you my scars” person is one who has not moved on from the sources of those scars. Yeah, that kind of failure to move on may get a different typical response by both gender and source of the scar, but you can't both have a need to show the scar and complain that other people aren't letting you move on: you aren't letting yourself move on.DoreenMicheleChoosing to be an example of recovery is not evidence I have not recovered.I'm well aware men who were raped or molested are treated even worse.dragonwriter> Choosing to be an example of recovery is not evidence I have not recovered.There's a huge difference, as I see it, between choosing to be an example of recovery and being,asyou previously described, a “brag and show off your scars person”, particularly in terms of the audience to which accounts of particular trauma are directed.DoreenMicheleYou know, I actually have a lot of respect for you. You really have your moments when you shine.This is not one of them. This is right up there with that brief period when you were repeatedly accusing me of being transphobic.So I have zero plans to argue this further with you.